Thursday, January 24, 2008

Anxiety

I don't know about this whole pregnancy thing. About having a baby. About being responsible for another life. Even now, before it is even born, my choices affect it. What I eat, what I do, what I don't do. I want my baby to be healthy and happy. So I try to make choices that will give it the best chance for that wish to come true. But if I do something, like a lift a 30 lb box or accidently eat feta cheese (I didn't know the salad came with it. I tried to pick off most of it), how will these small insignificant things affect my baby.
Do we have enough money to afford this baby? Daycare, diapers, formula (oh please, oh please let me breastfeed), and a countless other expenses that I'm not thinking of.
I'm a worrier. I worry about everything, but especially money and my family. This drives Richard nuts.


I can usually get myself out of a situation if I don't feel comfortable or I get scared. But I'm stuck. I'm pregnant. And there is only one way out. This baby is coming whether we are ready or not. Some days I'm ready, but most days I'm scared as all hell.
Not including how much we can fuck up this child with our parenting skills, but what genetic mishaps did we pass along to it. Will have the worst of us or the best? I guess we can only hope for the best part.
I thought getting married, bonding yourself to another person for the rest of your life, was scary.
This is much, much more frightening.

5 comments:

ck said...

You and your husband are loving people, from what I can tell and what I have experienced. That is what children need most. I work at a school where the children are so desperate for love and attention and their hearts are so big. You will do the best you can, you will make mistakes, and your child will turn out okay. You did. If they are taught to love, forgive, and respect, they can get through anything. I understand your fear, but your heart will always be able to lead you through the tough times. hugs to you!

Molly said...

And it's weird to read this because it's making you being more pregnant more real.

Just teach your kid patience, and you can screw up to your hearts content.

michelle said...

you should send my friend carrie an e-mail. seriously. you should.

and trust me. even though i can't begin to fully understand it all...you and richard are going to be fantastic parents. no one is ever entirely ready to have a baby. ever. they come and you make do. you have friends and family. tons of love and support. you and the baby will be just fine. i promise you. and i love you.

KeLL said...

Thank you for all your support. I have wonderful friends. It helps soooo much to read your words.

MOM said...

Do not worry about all of this - Your mommy and daddy will help, like we always have.
We made mistakes and you turned out to be a generous and loving young woman. I know that you'll be a wonderful mother.